Every family is different; we have single parents, big families and small families. Of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but as we grow up, we all deal with different family dramas and traumas. I have been there and survived, which, looking back, I realized that there are things that I had to implement to heal from a broken family.
What is a broken family?
When you google “broken family,” Google will give you a definition of divorced parents. Kids who have to live with one parent and then visit the other one on the weekend, that sort of family.
However, some people lived with both parents but had childhood trauma. Some had parents that were together but were absent. I can say that everyone can come up with their definition of a broken family since we all have a different life story.
Emmerance’s definition of a broken family is a family where communication is hard, there are all kinds of abuse, and each family member makes more selfish decisions than common ones.
Learning to accept reality as it is
Since we’re born into a family, it’s tough to know the difference between what’s wrong and what’s right. Some of us learned to let it be and live with it. Still, there’s something in us that finally explodes, and we say to ourselves, “enough is enough!” You just can’t keep living like this.
When dealing with childhood trauma, you don’t get to heal from it by ignoring it. You recover from it by accepting that you had a fucked up childhood (sorry for my word). You have to look at yourself in the mirror and agree that your parents mistreated you or that you did some bad things when you were young.
Now, how do you heal from that? Many of us witnessed a lot when we were children, which affected our mental health while growing up. Whether it’s your parents or siblings, if you feel or believe that you were born into a broken family, let me tell you that you can always heal from anything that doesn’t kill you.
When I look back at my healing journey, the thing that helped me the most is realizing that since I was born into this family, there’s nothing that I can do to change my family or my past. I first had to accept my situation and my family, as they were.
Accepting reality, and being transparent will help your brain look for a solution. This first step is essential. Acknowledging that people in our family took us for granted or didn’t take care of us enough is necessary. You don’t have to scream or talk about it; you just have to recognize and acknowledge the reality.
Sometimes, it’s better to love our family from far.
We’re all different human beings, we have different minds, thoughts and way of living. You heal by accepting that family members have their own story to write and that you also have a story of your own. You will have to face your reality, become more conscious and accept the childhood traumas and the difference you have between you and your family.
Sometimes, it’s better to love them from far. We love our parents and siblings, but the best way to live in harmony with them is to love them from far. Yes, some people just need to move out and get some fresh air.
I don’t believe that a woman should get married and then move out of her parent’s place to live with her husband. Equally, as men leave their parents’ homes whenever they want, I believe that a woman should do the same. Not because the university or college is in another city, but because life is different when you don’t have your parents around.
Like I mentioned above, the best way to love family is to love them from afar. It’s okay if you’re unable to live with your parents or siblings anymore. If your gut is telling you to move out, do it.
I suggest that you plan it first but move out eventually. I believe that we aren’t meant to stay living under our parents’ roof all our lives. We need to discover life and experience what it feels like to be fully responsible.
Becoming conscious of who you are and who you want to become
I recently finished a fantastic book in which I highly recommend “Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds“ by David Goggins. I’ve read many books that spark my mind and motivates me. However, David Goggins’ book is all about going beyond your limit.
I won’t spoil, but in the first chapter, David encouraged me to look deep into my childhood and made me realize that family can fuck us up, and it comes with consequences as we grow. However, you don’t have to keep living that way; you can change your narrative.
David was living a nightmare at a very young age. He saw his mother getting beaten by his father, and he also got his ass beat multiple times. Growing up, this impacted his learning abilities, and he ended up dealing with severe stress.
In the book, he explained that he told people around him that his father was dead for many years in his life. He explained that he was ashamed of talking about his childhood. I understand him; nobody wants to share how fucked up their household was.
I don’t like talking about my family, either. I think that’s a delicate subject. However, even though you don’t want to share your story, don’t deny it either. You must learn to accept reality as it is, but remember that it does not define you.
After reading the first chapter, I realized that I have my own story to write. Life is not a competition, and I don’t have to entertain anyone. Be real with yourself and realize that your family did have a huge impact on your childhood; however, you don’t have to let them write your story.
Accept who you are today and write who you want to be tomorrow. As I mentioned above, whatever happened in your past, does not define you. We all make mistakes, and so does our parents and siblings. There’s always love hidden somewhere in families, however, to go far in life, is to know who you are and who you want to become.
Choose yourself.
When you acknowledge your reality, you have to choose what kind of life you want to start living. I remember when I realized what I can accomplish, and that I had to start making life decisions, each day felt like a constant battle for me. Every day, I have to wake up and choose myself above everything.
As I explain in Why it’s important to make conscious decisions, every decision affects people around us. We must stop and think about it. For me, some of my actions and decisions affect my family. Yet, I learned to choose myself in every aspect of my life because I would be miserable if I didn’t put myself first.
When it comes to you, you have to learn how to be selfish sometimes. Learn and practice choosing yourself above anything else, even when you have kids or are married.
The key to healing from a broken family is to realize that you have to put yourself first. As you start writing your story, know that you have unlimited possibilities. Whatever you want to become isn’t defined by your past.
Family is precious, you protect it even when it’s hard. If you have siblings, some of us grew up hating each other, but deep down, we know that we love each other.
It’s the space that lets us breathe a little so that we can think straight and be healthier. To heal from a broken family is to accept each individual as they are, from their life’s decisions and attitude. However, you put yourself first.
You choose yourself and do what you need to do to make yourself feel accomplished. As long as you don’t regret it, you’re going to be happier when you decide to accept reality as it is, know who you are and who you want to be, and always put yourself first.
When it comes to my family.
You should know by now that I have a big family, as I finished writing this post, my 5 days family vacation came to an end. This family trip was only included half of my siblings and their kids. We did have our disagreements, but every night, we danced and laughed.
Seeing how fun this trip was, I still think that it’s something we should do once per year or two… or maybe 3. Let’s give ourselves space and regroup whenever we miss each other. Remember, every family member has their own story to write.
